“I haven’t searched shortcuts tools to be happy in life as I never concern others to make me happy”. Thus I am selfish. I learned where selflessness doesn’t work selfishness work. Why bother in this world who always desires magic but dares to hear a simple logic from me? Why waste my effort awakening them who never had been in sleep? Let this world curse me, condemn my desires, disgrace my self-respect; rather I will be waiting for the day when my selfishness will sanctify this world.
My selfishness did not need any background to act; so it made me straight-forward in my position, harsh in my word, rigid in the action. Once while traveling on a microbus in front of my seat I saw a child putting his hand on the corner of the door. Meanwhile, the conductor (sub driver) carelessly tried to close the door. My adrenaline made an abrupt rush where I uncontrollably tried to pull the child hand from the door. In that blast, I put myself in a nasty situation. My index finger of right hand got cramped by the sliding door. With an agony of the bloody finger, I got out of that mess and rushed to the hospital. In the emergency of a private hospital, I got four stitches in my finger. I told the whole story to the doctor. Hospital did not charge me. I believe my story was persuasive enough. That time I realized my selfishness to help other was really inevitable. If I had let that child without caring he might have lost his soft right hand and I would have never excused myself then.
My selfishness has always been overlooked since I was the child. I merely get a chance to justify it. In my early teen, once my father was publically condemned by the former chief of the village. For no reason, I was playing in that place. When I got my ear, I couldn’t handle that situation. I begin to act violently with that chief. I kicked him and diatribe him with rough words. That evening I was severely beaten by the father but I did not cry in pain although my mother wept for me. Later I knew from the brother that father was entangled in the corruption of money that villagers collected for implanting rice mill. The chief was trying to undermining this issue by publically condemning him. But I never cared because to protect my family was my selfishness.
In my early 20’s I met with an embarrassing event; more hilarious than nasty. And that was also the output of my selfishness to do things in my own way. One day I was excitedly going to my friend’s house to attend his bachelor party. His home was at Ason ( a place of Kathmandu). The roads that lead to his home was so narrow that vehicle was not allowed, and I had to walk about twenty-five minutes to be in his province.It was dusk of winter with darkness about to circumscribe the light. I entered the narrow route. My eyes clipped on two drunken men following a well-dressed lady. I made a rough guess that she might work at the bank by the dress she wore. They were all ahead of me. Those boys were harshly talking and teasing that girl. I did not know what to do. Although I was crowned brown belt in taekwondo but I couldn’t just attack those guys for their behavior because this problem has become a common situation in big cities. I just placed my feet quickly and came in between the girl and two guys. In the following incident, I knowingly missed the destination just to protecting the unknown girl. She was nervously talking in the phone. Later I noticed three-men running towards the girls opposite direction of our movement. She pointed backward without looking back, I got perplexed. I just looked backward, the two drunken ran in a flash. I was caught and chomped by three giants, nor my taekwondo helped nor my selfishness defended. she probably thought I was with two guys.
Yes, I do have a love story. But my love story had again been subsided by my selfishness. I was on the way to write my first novel. In search of some appealing story line on the topic “Girl in the purgatory “every Saturday I began to visit the temple. I get clipped to the life of scared hermits they live, their pleasure in being irresponsible, and their uninspiring windy antisocial behavior is really apathetic. One Saturday I saw a girl with blonde long hair with big penetrating eyes, long nose and pink lips, offering fruits to old ladies at foster home beside the temple. That caught my eyes. I thought not noble of that girl and rationalize it as an abstentious nature. After that every week, saw that girl donating and helping needy people. I began to like the long blonde hair and tried to see far from those big penetrating eyes and found that deep inside me, I had profound veneration to the damsel. By then, those eyes haunted me day and night.
While I was on the way to my office, I met that girl in public cab. I got nervous, trembled in joy and murmured in fantasy. I never dared to talk with the strange girl but she seemed no longer the stranger. I starting talking by appreciating and praising of her social work. Who said girls love appreciation? She just reacted with a careless smile Asif that praise is too obsolete for her. But lastly, she said- “I like to help people” which mollified my ego to some extent. She then asked me about my finger if it is ok or not. I got enthralled and perplexed. Later I noticed that she was the doctor who stitched my finger. She told me that she remembered me as the person whose spiritual complacency can subside any physical pain he endures. And I have revealed a secret that hospital had not excused my bill rather she had paid it.
That small incident seeded friendship between us which later developed in a plant. Besides of her tight hospital schedule, we usually met. Once she asked me to attend her birthday. I was supposed to come at 4 pm at Ratna Raja resort. It was located at mid place from both of our province, but I couldn’t attend it for a good justifiable reason. Three days later I called her. She ignored my call. I became exhausted trying to call her, lastly, I messaged her saying from today I will be waiting for you in nearby Global Park from 4-5 pm every day till I meet you. I waited for the first day with hope, second day with sorrow, third day with pain; lastly the fourth day she came at that place. I thought my selfishness; never to give up worked up. Rather than asking why I was absent that day and eager about why my phone has switched up she started rebuking me. I was questioned on my trustworthiness and disgraced in reasonability. In the court of her justice, I became fugitive of her belief and trust. I did not get the chance to exculpate and sanctify myself. I tried to console her but she was already well prepared for the diatribe. My selfishness began to subside my selflessness and harshly cried “yes I am selfish”. She just told me then it’s over “Bikash” and moved away in a flash. I had planned to tell her that “On that day I faced a serious problem, while I was purchasing the gift for your delighted birthday, I got an emergency call from my father- he told me that my grandmother passed away. I had to be there as instant as possible. I immediately ran to “Lamjung” and you well know that it’s very hard to catch mobile signal over there and I could not afford to walk an hour distance to the phone booth to make a call to you in this maudlin situation.” But I couldn’t.
After that, I tried to call her time to time but it was really over from her. That time I realized my selfishness was lucid and complete. If she was really selfish then she should have called me to make the relation successful. Her ego subsided her selfishness. But I am happy because I don’t have to prove my trustworthiness to vague people rather I would love to say “yes I selfish” and better keep a distance.
(Source : Story Writer’s Blog)